The Real Thank You, Heavenly
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: When the gang finds out a long-running television series has taken their likenesses and mannerisms and used them for profit, they decide to file a lawsuit until they end up being convinced to work for the show.
1. The Real Thank You, Heavenly Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 8

Airdate: November 12, 2017

"The Real Thank You, Heavenly"

 _#TYH608_

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _One night, Sparky, Buster, and Wade are watching TV. Buster sighs in disappointment._

SPARKY: Buster, what's wrong?

BUSTER: I'm frustrated. I can't figure out a way to solve my food problem.

SPARKY: Your food problem?

BUSTER: Yeah. See, I'm a fan of peanut butter, and I'm also a fan of bananas. So I'm trying to find a way I can combine the two to get the whole experience. But as far as I know, nothing like that exists.

WADE: A sandwich. A peanut butter and banana sandwich, Buster. You spread peanut butter on the bread, you cut the banana up and put it on the peanut butter.

BUSTER: Oh my God. That's genius. Good timing too because this...

 _Buster pulls out a jar of peanut butter with a banana inside of it._

BUSTER: This...this shit just doesn't work for me anymore.

WADE: I still can't believe there's nothing to watch tonight.

SPARKY: Hey, hey, hey. Keep it on this channel. Do you see that?

BUSTER: Yeah. The house is really loud and bright in terms of the color scheme. It irritates me.

SPARKY: I agree, but that's not what I'm talking about. Look at that place. It reminds me of my house.

WADE: Yes, Sparky, if you watch enough TV, you'll eventually see something that happens to be similar to your life.

SPARKY: I know what I'm talking about. That house is an exact replica. And that kid's wearing my clothes!

BUSTER: How could a cartoon steal your clothes?

SPARKY: You tell me. But I don't like this one bit.

WADE: Hang on a minute. That kid looks a lot like me.

SLAPPY: So Dave, how's your machine going?

DAVE: Well, once L.D.'s done messing around, I'll have finally perfected time travel. I can go back in time to the premiere for _Gone with the Wind_ and see Hattie McDaniel win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

SLAPPY: I never liked that movie.

DAVE: Yeah, but you know what happens when white people hype up anything.

BUSTER: Hey Wade, didn't you do an oral report on _Gone with the Wind_? You talked about how much it sucked for five minutes.

WADE: And I had every right to do so, but how in the world could they make a joke like that on a TV show? It's almost like they read my paper.

ZEKE: Hey Dave, does _Gone with the Wind_ have anything to do with the benefits of wind energy?

DAVE: No, you insufferable moron, it doesn't!

SLAPPY: What's up, Ezekiel "Zeke" Mendleson, my dimwitted best friend?

BUSTER: Why would he announce his best friend like that?

SPARKY: Yeah, it's unnatural. Like they don't trust the audience to know who these people are on their own.

WADE: This show is really weird.

SPARKY: You could say that again.

DAVE: L.D., what the hell are you doing?

L.D.: Look, Dave, I just think it would be cool if we dressed like Doc and Marty from _Back to the Future_.

DAVE: Why would we do some nonsensical shit like that?

L.D.: Because we're time traveling. I mean, for crying out loud, did Stewie ever object this much to what Brian wanted to do? Please.

 _At that point, the boys all look at the camera._

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, RK and Jaylynn are at their lockers._

JAYLYNN: Hey, whatever happened to that Dylan kid? You don't talk about him anymore.

RK: I could ask you the same thing about those Satanic spells you were doing.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: You know what? We can talk about something else.

 _Sparky, Buster, and Wade walk up to the guys._

RK: Hey boys, what's the skinny?

SPARKY: Oh, shut the hell up, RK.

RK: Hey, you have something to say to me, Sparky, then say it. We're about to get hardcore up in here.

BUSTER: Sparky's just a little tense after what happened last night.

JAYLYNN: Why? Did you break up with Halley?

SPARKY: No.

RK: Did Halley die?

SPARKY: How is that a better outcome than the first thing?!

RK: I never said it was, I'm just trying to figure out who spit in your cereal this morning.

WADE: Last night, the three of us watched a show that depicted our group as caricatures. Thinly veiled portrayals of us masquerading as genuine characters.

JAYLYNN: So there's a TV show based off us?

WADE: Yes, thank you for simplifying it.

RK: Are you talking about _My Life as a Third Grader_?

SPARKY: Yeah.

RK: Dude, why didn't you say anything sooner? I love that show!

SPARKY: What? You idiot, why didn't you tell us about this before?

RK: I thought you guys knew about the show already.

SPARKY: When have we ever discussed that shit or watched it as a group? You're the TV guy, wouldn't it have crossed your mind to put it all together?

RK: You really want Mr. Bean and Tiny Tim to f*** you up, huh?

BUSTER: RK, what do you know about this show?

RK: Well, it's a show about five third graders living in Denver and having adventures together. The city's not that important, but they keep telling you they live in Denver so you won't forget.

JAYLYNN: How long have you been watching it?

RK: Oh, since the pilot episode. I've stuck with it since day one and never looked back. Right now, it's on season six.

BUSTER: Am I the only one who finds it odd that there's been a show about us this whole time and only one of us knew about it until now?

RK: Well, it's on Discovery Family. That's probably why you've never heard of it. I'd be surprised if they still measure ratings for that channel.

SPARKY: I think what we should do is watch as many _My Life as a Third Grader_ episodes as we can, just to see how much they've stolen from us. And if we find anything, we'll sue them for plagiarism!

RK: Well, I have plenty of episodes on my DVR. You can check them out after school. Finally, I get to turn you guys on to a show.

 _Cut to Sparky's disinterested expression._

RK: Dude, lighten up. It's a damn television show, not identity theft.

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, RK looks through his DVR list of My Life as a Third Grader episodes._

RK: Oh, this is one of my all-time favorites. It's from the first season. Slappy goes to hang out with his pen pal in Salt Lake City, and he lets the guys take care of his house. Once he does, hilarity ensues.

JAYLYNN: Hilarity ensues? What the hell does that even mean?

BUSTER: I think he means it gets sexy.

RK: Alright, everyone shut up, it's show time.

 _Two minutes later..._

WADE: How come every joke on this show is a reference to something?

RK: Hey, it was season one. They were trying to find themselves.

SPARKY: So when do they stop finding themselves?

RK: A lot of fans agree that season three was when the show got way better.

JAYLYNN: You're telling me I have to wait three f***ing seasons to hear a decent joke? I'm not watching this.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, remember, we're only watching this to get outraged. Whether we like it or not doesn't matter.

JAYLYNN: Oh, right, I forgot.

BUSTER: Who's that weird-looking chick with the purple hair?

RK: Oh, that's Slappy's pen pal Amy. She grew up pretty rough. Her dad saw her birth and left two minutes later, while her mom got her throat slit the night before Christmas. She was late on the drug money.

WADE: How is this even a show for kids?

JAYLYNN: Is Amy an important character?

RK: Not in the first season. She only appears in a few episodes. Then she becomes a main character in season two but I never understood why.

JAYLYNN: Well, maybe the writers saw a lot in her.

RK: I don't know. I was never a big fan of the character.

 _Jaylynn looks at RK with concern, then back at the TV, then back at him._

WADE: This is such a weird show. Why would these kids even own houses? They don't know anything about paying mortgages or property values or making investments.

RK: Hey, it's a cartoon. It doesn't have to make sense.

SPARKY: So you're saying that because a show is animated, we shouldn't expect it to be good?

RK: Not all the time, no. Let the show live.

BUSTER: Hey, look, Bitch Clock!

RK: No, that's Carl. He's Sparky's talking iPad that's...I mean, Slappy's alarm clock that...this show stole everything from us, didn't it?

SPARKY: Yeah. Which is why we need to fight back. They've been telling our stories for six seasons and they think they can just get away with it?

RK: Can't we just wait until after the movie to do something?

SPARKY: THEY'RE MAKING A MOVIE?!

RK: Yeah. I think it should be out in the next few years.

JAYLYNN: You know what we could do? We could sue them for slander.

WADE: But how are they slandering us? The characters' names aren't even the same.

SPARKY: Slappy? L.D.? You don't see how that would be a problem?

WADE: You're right. But even then, this show is produced by a professional animation studio and plays to audiences all over the world. They probably have tons of lawyers and network executives that can protect them.

SPARKY: Yeah, but there's one thing they don't have: The heart and soul of their show.

BUSTER: What is it?

SPARKY: It's us! We're going to go to Los Angeles this weekend, march into the show's writing room and tell them to stop using us for profit. And if they refuse, then we'll sue 'em!

BUSTER: We're going to Hollywood?! Well, in that case, I better make sure I'm dressed.

 _Buster pulls out an Oakland Raiders jersey and puts it on._

JAYLYNN: Why did you just do that?

BUSTER: Los Angeles is Raiders country, Jaylynn. I might get stomped out if I wear a Rams jersey. And don't even get me started on what will happen if I pull out Chargers gear.

SCENE 4

Discovery Family Lot

Exterior Entrance

Los Angeles, California

 _("California Love" by 2Pac featuring Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman plays in the background briefly as there is a montage of various television studios and lots in Los Angeles and Burbank. There is also real-life footage of a Dodgers game and people eating at Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Dissolve into the lot for Discovery Family shows, including My Life as a Third Grader_. _The kids walk onto it and are about to meet the large security guard patrolling the entrance.)_

BUSTER: I wonder how many guys from _My Little Pony_ we'll see here.

WADE: Probably none since that show is made in Canada.

BUSTER: It is? Sparky, after this, we're going up north. No questions asked.

SPARKY: No, we're not! Do you know how much money we spent on this? And my feet hurt from all the walking. And a lot of these people smell like they've been working at Greenpeace for twenty years.

RK: I hate Los Angeles.

JAYLYNN: We've only been here for a couple hours.

RK: Exactly. And I never thought I would actually hate a place more than New York. Wait, no, New York's still at the bottom for now.

SPARKY: Okay, there it is. The studio where they make _My Life as a Third Grader_. All we have to do is get past the security guard and we're in.

RK: Most of what you've said today is just telling us what we should do next when we all know what we should do next. Stop it.

SPARKY: Well, if I don't say anything, you guys won't remember!

WADE: Sparky, the security on a Hollywood lot is airtight. We're not just going to waltz in there and say, "Top of the morning, sir. We're just here to harass your employees."

BUSTER: Don't worry, guys. I have a plan so brilliant, I would feel like an idiot saying it.

JAYLYNN: What is it?

BUSTER: I'm going to ask the guard a question that he can't answer. He'll be so stumped, he won't notice we're sneaking into the studio.

WADE: Your brilliant plan is playing trivia?

BUSTER: Why do you make every one of my ideas sound stupid?

RK: Let's just see if this works.

 _The kids walk up to the security guard._

SPARKY: Hi. Um, we're tourists from Seattle and we're just here to get the autographs of the writers. The _My Life as a Third Grader_ writers?

GUARD: Are you guys certified?

SPARKY: Certified? Um, what are you...

RK: Of course, we're certified. We've been certified for years. My father helped create some of the most important and popular cartoons of all-time. You need to show my elders some respect.

GUARD: Do you really think I'm buying this bullcrap?

RK: Man, this guy's a smart cookie. I thought I had him on the ropes.

BUSTER: Don't worry. I'll go in for the kill. Hey sir, I just wanted to know...who was the winner of the 1963 World Series?

GUARD: The winner? _The guard pulls out his iPhone._ Um...Siri, who won the 1963 World Series?

SIRI: The Los Angeles Dodgers were the 1963 World Series champions.

BUSTER: Damn it! Modern technology was my plan's only weakness!

JAYLYNN: You know what? I'll take care of this.

 _Jaylynn takes out a can of pepper spray and sprays the guard in his eyes, then kicks him in the groin._

JAYLYNN: Alright, let's go.

 _The kids run into the studio and then walk fast to look for the writer's room._

WADE: Jaylynn, where did you get...

JAYLYNN: Don't worry about it.

SPARKY: Buster, did you actually know who won the World Series?

BUSTER: No. I thought it was the Mets, I can't believe I got that wrong.

WADE: The Mets didn't win until 1969.

BUSTER: See, I knew I f***ed up somehow.

JAYLYNN: There it is. The writer's room.

RK: Are we really about to barge in like a pack of wild dogs? We need to be elegant and classy about this.

WADE: That sounds so inappropriate coming from you.

RK: Hey, if I'm going to work in Hollywood one day, I can't have you guys ruining my chances.

 _Meanwhile, in the writer's room..._

JAKE: So what about a musical? We've never done that before.

TED: A musical about what?

JAKE: I don't know. The importance of a healthy diet?

GARRETT: See, this is why we don't like it when you pitch ideas.

JAKE: I don't see what the big deal is. It's really important for kids to learn that.

ANDY: We're...we're writing for kids?

TED: Okay, we just need to think about what we would want to see if we were in third grade.

GARRETT: We do that every week, I hate it.

 _At that point, the kids walk in and stare down the writers._

TED: Can we help you?

RK: You're damn right, you motherf***ing con artists!

WADE: Okay, there was nothing elegant or classy about any of that.

SPARKY: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Making all this money off of people living way more exciting lives than you. Driving around in your 2018 cars thinking you deserve a parade! Well, the parade's over, you schmucks!

ANDY: I actually still drive a car from 1991.

TED: I'm sorry, who are you guys and who let you in here? This is a private meeting.

SPARKY: I'm Sparky MacDougal, and these are my friends Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn.

RK: Remember us? The ones you got your ideas from?

JAKE: Shit, they know everything!

GARRETT: Well, way to keep it low-key.

TED: Look, I still have no idea what you're talking about.

SPARKY: Stop playing dumb. _My Life as a Third Grader_ has taken events from our lives for years and turned them into episodes. Everything important, you ripped off from us. Hijacking championship games, going to Vegas, the president almost killing Buster and Wade for knowing about the Illuminati. And what the hell is a cover episode anyway?

JAKE: Oh, that's where we take a plot from a TV show and do our own version of it.

SPARKY: Honestly, that sounds lazy to me.

JAKE: You just don't understand how it works!

TED: Alright, you want the truth? We ripped you guys off. There, you happy now?

WADE: But how did you even find out about a bunch of strangers?

TED: Well, we were developing a TV show in late 2010 and we didn't really know what we wanted to do. So one guy suggested, "G-rated _South Park_." So we looked on Facebook and Twitter to find kids we could use as models for interesting characters, and we found you guys.

SPARKY: So you've been stalking us for almost ten years because you wanted to copy the formula of a much better show?

JAKE: When you say it like that, it sounds like a bad thing.

SPARKY: THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS A BAD THING! You guys are sick. You've been going through our posts, checking our profiles for information. What else have you been doing? Tapping our phones? Have you been monitoring our receipts? DO YOU GUYS HAVE DRONES CIRCLING AROUND OUR HOUSES WHEN WE SLEEP?!

GARRETT: Look, you guys have to understand that just because you're the ones we based the characters off of, doesn't mean that everything is based on you. We just did an episode a couple weeks ago where the kids go to Europe, right?

TED: Yeah, that's going to be our season seven premiere. The kids go to Europe, and L.D. ends up being accused of being an art thief.

JAYLYNN: Congratulations. It took you seven seasons to come up with an original idea.

ANDY: I believe it was the great Nasir Jones that once said, "No idea's original."

WADE: Shut the f*** up. Don't you ever quote Esco again in your life.

TED: Guys, I know it seems like you got a raw deal, but at least you know the truth. Now you guys can brag to your friends about being TV stars.

RK: We can brag to them about the settlement money.

TED: What?

SPARKY: Yeah, we're suing you guys. Did you not think we were going to do something about this?

JAKE: Honestly, no.

TED: You're going to sue us because you believe you're being mocked and slandered on TV?

WADE: You just admitted to that!

TED: Maybe I didn't.

WADE: Okay, you guys are really about to make me mad.

TED: There's no way you guys can sue us. We have a team in place that grants us complete creative control with almost no network interference. Also, what we're doing is actually parody-based which falls under Fair Use.

WADE: Damn. He's right.

BUSTER: Are you sure? He could just be making this up.

SPARKY: Well, we know the truth now and if you don't say anything about it, we will. We'll make sure you clowns never work again.

 _The kids begin leaving._

TED: What if we brought you on the show as consultants?

SPARKY: Consultants?

TED: Yeah. It's already hard to write by committee. But you guys already know the truth, so you can help us make the show better.

JAYLYNN: Why exactly would we help you after you put our personal lives on TV?

ANDY: It pays about 1k a week.

BUSTER: 50k.

TED: Hell no.

BUSTER: Special K.

 _Buster slaps his knee and starts laughing._

BUSTER: Because...the cereal...

 _Buster starts pounding his fist on the floor._

RK: Are you sniffing coke right now? What's the matter with you?

 _Wade notices that Jake is writing down the exchange._

WADE: Are you seriously writing this down?

JAKE: I can't help it!

SPARKY: Look, we appreciate the offer, but I don't think it's such a good idea to give you guys more of a reason to keep your jobs.

TED: Well, the offer's always on the table. Here's a number and an email you can use to contact us if you change your mind. We want to work with you and start doing things the honest way.

SPARKY: Thank you, but I don't think we'll be calling you guys any time soon.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _A few days later, the kids are in the lunchroom as Sparky looks at the phone number and email Ted gave him._

SPARKY: I think we should call them.

WADE: Seriously? You're the one who was more upset about what these writers did than anyone else.

SPARKY: I know, but I feel like they're being honest. Maybe they actually do want our help. And if we work on the show, we can help make it better and probably introduce it to more people.

RK: Sparky, rule number one of Hollywood: Don't trust anyone. They're scumbags, all of them. Everybody's out to kill whoever's standing in their way of making money.

BUSTER: How do you know so much about Hollywood?

RK: Years of watching TV, research, and insanity have made me into what I am today. I know their tricks. If they want to "collaborate," they're just looking for more ideas they can steal.

HALLEY: Hey guys, have you heard about this show called _My Life as a Third Grader_? Because those kids...

JAYLYNN: Yeah, Halley, we've heard.

WADE: You're really late.

SPARKY: Yeah, we already went to L.A. and everything.

HALLEY: Wait, you actually went to Los Angeles?

SPARKY: Yeah. Don't you remember me telling you that last week?

HALLEY: I thought it was a joke! I didn't know you were serious. Is this guy a writer on the show?

SPARKY: Yeah. He wants all of us to be consultants. You know, since they pretty much stole everything from us, we might as well have it mean something.

HALLEY: I think you should take the chance. I mean, this is a big opportunity.

BUSTER: I don't think so. We're not even going to get taken seriously over there.

HALLEY: People don't know you from _The New York Diaries_?

BUSTER: _The New York Diaries_? What the hell is that?

WADE: So are we doing this or not?

SPARKY: I guess. We could go down there to L.A. again and say we're interested.

HALLEY: Good. It's not fair they get to make money off you guys.

JAYLYNN: Are you trying to get a cut of our money?

HALLEY: No!

JAYLYNN: Good. Because I'm not letting you become a freeloader.

SCENE 6

Discovery Family Lot

Interior My Life as a Third Grader Writer's Room

Los Angeles, California

TED: We're really glad you guys decided to accept our offer.

SPARKY: Yeah. But just to let you know, if we're working for you guys, we want to do things our way.

GARRETT: You guys have demands?

RK: If you want us to keep your dirty little secret, then yes.

TED: What are your demands?

SPARKY: These meetings need to be in Seattle. We really don't feel like coming out here every week to see you.

BUSTER: Yeah, we don't need you. You need us! You want us! You lust after us!

SPARKY: Okay, buddy, dial it back a little.

TED: Okay, weekly meetings in Seattle. That can be arranged. What else?

JAYLYNN: We want you to stop going on our Facebook and Twitter for information on us. It's creepy as f*** and a total violation of our privacy.

JAKE: It's a public account, how does that...

 _Garrett slaps Jake in the back of his head._

GARRETT: We'll look somewhere else to write our stories.

RK: Also, I don't wanna get paid in checks. I want it all in cash like Redd Foxx.

ANDY: Um, wasn't Redd Foxx in debt to the IRS?

RK: Yes, but did he get taxed when he got paid? Those are the kinds of questions you should be asking.

TED: Okay, I hope you guys know that you're not calling the shots here.

SPARKY: We're aware of that. We're also aware that you guys have been making money off us for years and we're not just going to sit by like stupid kids waiting for justice. We want it, so we're taking it.

JAKE: I like how straightforward they are. They look you in the eyes and everything.

TED: Okay, we get it. Man, we really have to pay for what we did now.

RK: You're damn right. Now where's your secretary? I'm in the mood for a latte.

JAYLYNN: Dude...

RK: Oh, I don't even drink coffee. I just wanted to sound like a big shot.

SCENE 7

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Tree House

Seattle, Washington

 _A few days later, the kids and the writers are having their first official meeting together._

ANDY: We're seriously meeting in a tree house?

BUSTER: Yeah. What did you think it was, a non-tree house? Because that doesn't even make any sense.

ANDY: Why can't we just do this in your living room, Sparky?

SPARKY: Because if you guys are going to write better kid characters, you have to know what it's like to be a kid. This tree house is the source of so much creativity.

GARRETT: Like what?

BUSTER: Well, one time, me and Sparky turned this tree house into a party planning business. We were real good at it. We made a lot of money too.

JAKE: You still have some of it?

BUSTER: No, I spent it all on candy and reversible jackets.

ANDY: Hey, how about an episode where the kids meet a celebrity? And then hilarity ensues?

JAYLYNN: Seriously, what the f*** does that mean?

RK: I don't know. An episode like that sounds really cheesy. I mean, what, the kids are going to be in awe of this person and be like, "Oh my God, it's singing sensation and 'Sorry 2004' performer Ruben Studdard!"

TED: They could be.

RK: No. That's awful and you should be ashamed of entertaining the idea.

SPARKY: It could be like a dream.

BUSTER: You mean, like when you thought Cimorelli was terrorizing your life?

SPARKY: Hey, those dreams were complicated.

TED: You were dreaming about Cimorelli? What is that?

JAKE: I think it's that Italian deli we drove by on the way here.

JAYLYNN: Just some singers Sparky has a crush on. We hear about his dreams _every_ year.

SPARKY: I don't have a crush on them! Do I? No, I don't have a crush on them!

WADE: Why don't we just take a look at this week's episode before planning anything else?

TED: Yeah, sure. We can watch it in the living room.

 _A half hour later..._

JAYLYNN: Wow, that was awful. Was this show ever good?

SPARKY: No, because it's just a watered down version of things that actually happened.

GARRETT: I thought it was one of our best episodes.

RK: Well, I have a suggestion. Could L.D. stop referencing movies so much?

TED: Well, L.D. loves movies. That's his thing.

RK: I know, but no one talks like that in real life. It's not him being a character, but just more of a joke.

ANDY: Wow, you are really anal about television.

RK: I was born with a remote control in my hand. This is what I do.

SPARKY: And also, I think you could stop doing so many random jokes. I mean, is this show character-based or _Saturday Night Live_?

TED: It's a character-based _Saturday Night Live_ with traces of _Family Guy_ and _Arthur_ lodged in there.

WADE: So it's just...anything?

GARRETT: It could be anything.

 _Beat_.

BUSTER: How come you guys still have jobs?

TED: Okay, anybody can criticize a show. But do you guys have any suggestions on how to make it better?

JAYLYNN: I feel like you guys do everything but listen when people talk.

SPARKY: Look, should we just write down our suggestions and you guys can see if you can put them in the episodes?

JAKE: Yeah, why not?

ANDY: I don't see a problem with that.

GARRETT: Sure.

TED: Yeah, we have to get back to Los Angeles for post-production anyway. Email us your suggestions and we'll see how much we can get done.

SPARKY: Okay, cool.

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky walks down the stairs the next morning while yawning and goes on his computer in the den. At that point, Bitch Clock opens the back door and tries to slowly make his way upstairs. He walks into the living room and tries to be as quiet as possible, then reaches the stairs._

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, I know you're there.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, why are you even up this early?

SPARKY: The guys from _My Life as a Third Grader_ were supposed to email me back about my notes.

BITCH CLOCK: Your notes? What are you talking about?

SPARKY: Well, we found out the show was using characters like us and we were about to sue them, then they hired us as consultants.

BITCH CLOCK: Are you sure they're not just trying to string you along? You know, keep you in line so you don't say shit?

SPARKY: Why would they do that?

BITCH CLOCK: Because you're just a bunch of stupid kids and they know they have you in your back pocket?

SPARKY: Don't you have to throw up some Heineken?

BITCH CLOCK: You are such an ass.

 _Bitch Clock walks upstairs and Sparky gets an email._

SPARKY: Yes, here it is! "Dear Sparky, your suggestions were awesome. But we decided to go in another direction. We hope to talk to you later on for new, more interesting ways to improve our show. Best wishes, Ted."

 _Beat._

SPARKY: What the f*** kind of PC response is this?

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids have met up at school sometime later._

JAYLYNN: They're going in another direction?

SPARKY: Yeah. I have no idea what they're talking about. I thought we stood our ground with them.

RK: That's not the only thing they did wrong. Check this out.

 _RK pulls out his consultant paycheck._

BUSTER: RK, why are you showing us a piece of paper with numbers on it?

RK: IT'S NOT A PIECE OF PAPER WITH NUMBERS ON IT! It's a check. I specifically told those bastards, "No checks." _RK sighs._ Now I'll never know how it feels to be Redd Foxx.

WADE: You know what? I'm starting to think we're getting played.

SPARKY: Like a PS4. I can't believe we trusted them. Now it looks like Bitch Clock was right.

BUSTER: Wait, guys, what's really going on? I was thinking about going to Dunkin' Donuts after school, I wasn't paying attention.

SPARKY: The writers of _My Life as a Third Grader_ don't want to get sued, so they gave us a phony job to keep our mouths shut.

BUSTER: What? Why? They stole from us, they have to pay up or I'm going to be really mad!

WADE: They already are paying us.

BUSTER: Oh. Shit, why didn't I just go to Dunkin' Donuts before school? Now I'm going to be thinking about it all day.

RK: So what are we going to do about this?

JAYLYNN: Well, if we quit our jobs, they win. But if we don't, they'll just keep pretending like we're actually helping them.

SPARKY: You know what? It's time for us to lay down the law. We're going to tell them that we need to start having more of a say in the show or we're walking. I'm not about to get taken advantage of by TV people again.

WADE: Again?

SPARKY: Yeah, but I don't remember much about it.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Sparky's Treehouse

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are having another meeting with the show's writing team._

SPARKY: Look, guys, I get that this is your career and everything, but you can't just reject our notes like this. We want the show to be better, and if you don't start taking us more seriously, we're leaving.

TED: Are you going to tell everyone the truth?

SPARKY: If we have to.

ANDY: But you can't leave without going to the convention this weekend.

RK: What convention?

ANDY: It's the tenth annual Pacific Northwest Television Convention. And this year, not only is Seattle hosting it, but we were all invited as panelists.

BUSTER: Panelists?

WADE: You know how at Comic-Con, some guys talk for 45 minutes and make their show seem better than it actually is?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, I love Comic-Con. But this one sounds lame, I don't wanna go.

GARRETT: Look, the show is about the adventures of five kids. So why not have actual kids answering the questions?

JAYLYNN: That does sound kinda cool.

SPARKY: Yeah, I guess we can join you for that.

JAKE: We actually just wanted you guys to go. We're vacationing in Miami this weekend.

ANDY: See, this is why we hate telling you anything.

RK: Oh, so you guys get to play hooky while we have to deal with thousands of hardcore fans?

TED: The hardcore fans are the best fans. They're the most passionate.

RK: Well, yeah, the ones that love shows and write blogs about them. Not the fat ones that don't go anywhere and are still trying to lick the Dorito crumbs from their neck beards.

GARRETT: Don't worry, you guys are going to have a lot of fun.

SCENE 11

Northgate Community Center

Interior Northwest TVCon Panel

Seattle, Washington

 _That weekend, the kids are representing My Life as a Third Grader as they are fielding questions from fans of the show._

SPARKY: Yeah, that guy in the red shirt over there. You have a question.

RED SHIRT GUY: Yeah, I'm just wondering why the show sucks so much now. It used to be really funny. Now it's like you guys don't try anymore. What gives?

SPARKY: Well, you see, um...the show is as good as it's always been. We're just trying to keep it together.

RED SHIRT GUY: What are you talking about, keep it together? The show hasn't been funny in months. I feel like it just gets worse every time I watch a new episode. Why don't you guys just cancel it?

RK: Why don't you just stop watching new episodes if you hate them so much?

RED SHIRT GUY: I've seen every episode since season three. Might as well finish it.

RK: Wait, but that, you know that...what?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, that old lady in the back with her hand raised? You can put it down now.

OLD LADY: Yes, I would just like to say that the show is very offensive and teaches kids bad morals. I don't want my children to grow up watching a show like that.

WADE: I see your point, but that...wasn't even a question.

FAT KID: I have a question. Who the hell are you guys?

BUSTER: Who the hell are we? Who the hell are you? We're making money, what are you doing?

SPARKY: Buster, will you calm down?

BUSTER: No, how dare he thinks he can talk to us like that?

WHITE GUY: I got a question. When I put my L.D. shirt in the wash, it keeps shrinking. Is there anything that I can do to fix that?

BUSTER: Well, sir, thank you for asking that question. I think it might be an issue of you not stretching out the fabric enough or leaving it in the wash for too long. Try taking it out of the dryer earlier next time.

WHITE GUY: Okay, thanks.

RK: Buster, what are you doing?

BUSTER: I'm trying to answer questions about the show.

SPARKY: No, no, these aren't questions. You call these questions? This is complete bullshit. You people sit here day after day after day constantly watching one of the worst shows of all-time, and yet you keep cheering for more. This isn't entertainment. This isn't art, this isn't comedy. It's just the reason why everyone who watches TV is stupider these days, because they sit there and fill their brains with mind-numbing crap for 22 minutes.

 _Beat._

SPARKY: Any more questions?

SCENE 12

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are back at home watching TV._

BUSTER: You know, I'm glad everything is back to normal.

WADE: Back to normal? Sparky just went on a rant in front of devoted fans of the show.

BUSTER: Oh, I kinda thought we were finishing up early this week.

JAYLYNN: Sparky, do you really think it was a good idea to insult people like that?

SPARKY: Look, maybe I went over the line. But I had to. We've been cheated, humiliated and taken advantage of by hack writers who don't even know their ass from a hole in the ground. Look at this.

 _Sparky turns the TV to an episode of the show._

DAVE: Slappy, it's time for one of our trademark dance parties.

SLAPPY: Dave, don't you think it's getting kinda old?

DAVE: Maybe. But I can't stop!

 _Out of nowhere, "Bad and Boujee" by Migos featuring Lil Uzi Vert starts playing, and Dave and Slappy start dancing to it._

SPARKY: They stole everything from us and made it cheaper, lazier, and dumber. And the fans just eat it up. How could this happen?

RK: White privilege?

SPARKY: What?

RK: I don't know.

 _At that point, Sparky gets a phone call from the writers._

SPARKY: Oh no, it's Ted. He's going to fire us, I know it.

WADE: Who cares if he fires us? It was stupid to work on that show anyway. We changed nothing and got nothing.

BUSTER: That's not true. I've spent more money on reversible jackets this week than at any other point in my life. And I don't regret a thing.

SPARKY: Hello?

TED: Sparky, what were you thinking going on a rant like that? You embarrassed us, your friends, and yourself.

SPARKY: Is that the best you've got?

TED: What are you talking about?

SPARKY: Ted, I'm sorry, but it's over. You can't fool me anymore. The only reason we were hired on the show was just so no one found out the truth about your characters. You never cared about us at all.

TED: You little son of a bitch, thinking you have everything figured out.

SPARKY: That's right. We know the real deal and we're going to expose you as the frauds you really are. We've got the drop on you.

TED: You have the drop on us because of...what?

SPARKY: Forget it, it was supposed to sound cool. Bottom line is, as of right now, we quit, and we're going to take you to court and sue you for every penny you're worth.

TED: You have to be kidding me. You guys have no case. You spent the money we paid you, you willingly took the job we offered you, and you have nowhere near the kind of lawyers we do. You can't win.

SPARKY: That's what you think, Teddy boy. We're taking you to the cleaners. We'll break the internet. We'll make a case so devastatingly sharp, the judge will have no choice but to end your little show.

SCENE 13

Stanley Mosk Courthouse

Interior Courtroom

Los Angeles, California

 _Cut to a shot of the courtroom, where the lawyer of the My Life as a Third Grader writers is presenting his opening statement to the jury, with TSE as the plaintiff._

LAWYER: So as you can clearly see, my clients had no intention to hold the kids hostage in a situation they did not want to be a part of, and they are not responsible for the expensive dinners, business trips, and other privileges the kids used their position of power to attain.

BUSTER: We have one meeting at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and suddenly, we're the bad guys!

JAYLYNN: Buster, it's okay.

BUSTER: No, we shouldn't be judged for putting Aunt Jemima on our five-piece meal.

LAWYER: The defense rests.

JUDGE: Does the plaintiff have an opening statement?

 _RK immediately stands up._

RK: Yeah, we do, Your Honor. Everything that guy just said is bullshit!

 _Beat._

JUDGE: Is...that it?

RK: No. That guy's a pervert, and he tried to make several advances towards me during the discovery. Thank you.

 _RK sits down on the bench, and there is an awkward silence as everyone just looks at RK with bewilderment._

RK: What? What did I say?

SCENE 14

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are back home, having lost the case._

JAYLYNN: Well, that went worse than I thought it would.

BUSTER: You know what the problem is? We didn't have the home field advantage. Those upper-class L.A. guys wanted us to lose.

SPARKY: Yup, I'm sure it had nothing to do with RK quoting _Stand and Deliver_ and then accusing the lawyer of being a child molester with no proof.

RK: I was quoting _My Cousin Vinny_. Besides, I thought the court would take the bait and look into it.

WADE: You know, we should just give up. Hollywood's just way too powerful to be taken down by a bunch of little kids.

RK: Of course, but this is a show on Discovery Family we're talking about here. If we can't get rid of that, what can we get rid of?

SPARKY: I'm sorry I dragged you guys into this. I thought we could really stick it to the man this time, but I guess not.

JAYLYNN: It's okay, man. You were just trying to protect our image. Those guys were creeps.

BUSTER: The only thing I'm wondering is what we do now.

SPARKY: Just carry on with our boring, unattractive lives.

SCENE 15

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are eating lunch the next day, looking depressed._

BUSTER: You know what would be a good show? A show about birds.

WADE: Birds?

BUSTER: Yeah. It would be about what they do when people aren't paying attention to them. You could call it _Superfly_. And it would also have a kickass rap theme song.

JAYLYNN: That sounds horrible.

BUSTER: Horrible, maybe, but that's what they said about _SpongeBob_. Now, look at it. Three movies and a damn Broadway show. They're getting paid.

 _At that point, Sparky's phone rings and he picks it up._

SPARKY: Hello, who's this?

DETECTIVE CARTER: Hi, I'm Detective Steve Carter from the Los Angeles Police Department. We're following up on a tip. Are you and your friends consultants on _My Life as a Third Grader_?

SPARKY: Not anymore. Kinda, but why does it matter?

DETECTIVE CARTER: Because your bosses are sexual deviants. They have tons of harassment claims against them.

SPARKY: Wait, what?!

SCENE 16

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are watching the news report later that day about the sexual harassment claims._

REPORTER: Discovery Family announced this morning that _My Life as a Third Grader_ has ceased production, and the remaining episodes yet to air will continue to until January. The network decided to cancel the show after firing the co-creators and three key writers due to over 36 women coming forward in the past ten years about sexual harassment and abuse. The network decided to investigate just shortly after they were told about the development of an animated drama the writers were working on for HBO, which would have prevented them from working on the comedy show.

RK: This is unbelievable. Wait, is it?

JAYLYNN: I knew those guys were creeps. I just get a vibe about these things.

WADE: But wait a minute. The network decided to investigate once they found out about the guys' other project.

BUSTER: Yeah, so?

WADE: So they only cared about the sexual harassment after they realized they were losing money. Doesn't that sound a little disgusting?

RK: That says more about Hollywood than we ever could.

BUSTER: I guess the lesson here is that you should never trust grownups. And if you're rich, then you're just a grownup with money.

SPARKY: Or maybe it's that if you really want your show to go somewhere, just do your own thing.

JAYLYNN: That makes sense.

WADE: But the show was already successful.

SPARKY: Honestly, Wade, I'm just happy they got caught.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, I'm looking up their show now. It was going to humanize the KKK?!

 _Cut to black._

 _EPILOGUE_

 _The following appears in white lettering over a black screen: "In October, Sony partnered with RK and Wade to film a commercial boasting about their new 3D Blu-Ray home theater. After several days of saying no, we were finally able to finish the ad this past week. As an additional treat, here's the commercial."_

 _The scene fades into RK and Wade approaching the home theater at their local electronics store._

RK: Wade, I need to get the best sound system out.

WADE: Then buy Sony's new sound system.

RK: You mean, the Starship Enterprise? It makes me want to tell Scotty to beam me up.

WADE: RK, nothing beats the Sony 3D Blu-Ray home theater. You get 1,000 watts at just $419.99.

RK: I pay all that at once?

WADE: No, with the second option, you pay $29.99 a month. What other company presents that deal?

RK: You know, I always wanted to watch my shows in 3D. But I never found a TV good enough for it.

WADE: Well, you need to take the chance now. Look what it provides for such a price.

RK: I better be getting exactly what it advertises.

WADE: Of course. Sony brings the movie theater experience to _you_.

RK: Alright. Today, my brother and I become a Sony 3D family.

WADE: So that makes you my Sony 3D best friend.

RK: Let's not make this awkward, Wade.

 _Cut to a shot of the home theater._

ANNOUNCER: The 3D Blu-Ray home theater sound system is a steal at $419.99. See brighter and think bigger with Sony.

 _Cut to black._

 _("The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem plays over the end credits)_

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. The Real Thank You, Heavenly B-Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 11/12/17; 11/14/17)_

-I didn't come up with this episode until the summer, but I came up with the title more than a year ago. When I did, I originally imagined it as the kids becoming the subject of a new reality show.

-I was really excited about this episode when I came up with it, to the point where I knew I had to start writing it as soon as I could. Originally, I thought it would come in January but I moved it up because of how interesting it was. Of course, I've had problems with basing characters off of real people in the past (as several recurring characters on the show are based off my friends from high school), so this episode feels personal and self-deprecating in a way.

-I wrote most of the episode in a short period of time but I ended up getting stuck after the convention scene. I also didn't know how to end the episode either but about two weeks ago, I figured it out. I think this episode had a really nice energy to it. It didn't feel like things were moving too slow and there was always a sense of urgency.

-I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted _My Life as a Third Grader_ to be for kids or adults. All I knew was that I just wanted it to be as much of a stereotype of _Thank You, Heavenly_ as possible. I ended up making it for kids, but an inappropriate show for kids that didn't really know its audience. I also chose Discovery Family because I saw it as a channel where a show like that could exist for years without people knowing about it (except for _My Little Pony_ but...you know).

-Slappy's announcement of Zeke is a reference to the children's television series _Angela Anaconda_.

-RK and Jaylynn reference the last two episodes of the show, "RK's Monster" and "Jaylynn the Satanist."

-RK makes a reference to the nicknames of his fists, Mr. Bean and Tiny Tim. He previously named them in "Thank You for Being an Enemy" _(#TYH320)_.

-One of RK's favorite _My Life as a Third Grader_ episodes shares the same plot with "Three Boys and a House" _(#TYH113)_.

-RK references Eric B. & Rakim's "I Ain't No Joke" when confronting the writers ("Remember me? The one you got your idea from?").

-Sparky references episodes such as "Super Bowl Cum-Day" ( _#TYH109)_ , "Super Bowl Cum-Day II" _(#TYH213),_ "Viva Las TSE" _(#TYH120/121)_ , and "Illuminati's for Idiots" _(#TYH212)_.

-Halley makes a reference to _The New York Diaries_ , a show that Sparky and Buster developed for Nickelodeon in "Slice of Fantastica (Part I)" ( _#TYH303),_ but Buster is unable to remember it. Later on, Sparky tries to remember the show himself but is unable to.

-Buster makes a reference to "Mort & Carl's Man Cave" _(#TYH504)_ when trying to inspire the writers.

-Buster references the two Cimorelli episodes of the show: "My Weekend with the CimFam" _(#TYH218)_ and "My Thanksgiving with the CimFam" _(#TYH406)_.

-Buster references the first _SpongeBob SquarePants_ movie in 2004, the sequel in 2015, the planned third film in 2019, and the upcoming Broadway musical based on the series.

-I had no ending until I decided to take a page from current events, referencing the many Hollywood sexual harassment scandals over the past number of weeks.

-The animated drama about the KKK is mocking the upcoming HBO historical drama about the Civil War, which is being developed by the creators of _Game of Thrones_.

-I can't believe I forgot to explain this. For my electronic media writing class, we were asked to write a dialogue radio commercial on either the Sony 3D Blu-Ray home theater or a vacuum cleaner made by Sharp. I picked the home theater and decided to use RK and Wade as the characters in the commercial. I ended up doing more rewrites and edits on that one commercial than an average episode of the show. Last week, when I was finishing up the final draft, I decided to attach the commercial to this episode as a special treat. Plus, it felt like the episode was a little short anyway. _(11/14/17)_


End file.
